Oct 28 2010
Two weeks has already gone by since my arrival to Mallorca. So much has happened and my personal journal entries have become much more abundant. More is always revealed in my mind and I become more awake daily. Some experiences are subtle and some are instantly absorbed.
ACIM was introduced in my life about 3 years ago. I have never studied the course or done the lessons, but continued to be drawn to it and understand (partly..) what it’s about (EGO, judgement, forgiveness.. etc.). At times ACIM and the sessions we have daily are very deep for me and I do not understand. I know that it is ok that I don’t understand and that the Holy Spirit will reveal what I need to know when I am ready. When we talk of how the past never happened, or this body is not real, or that everything is an illusion I just have these thoughts of WTF does that mean? I don’t quite understand any of that, but feel I am starting to slowly but do not know yet how to express is to myself, and of course to anyone. The only message I feel I can give right now is the evident light that I exude and to tell others, ‘Come and See!’
Yesterday I wanted to escape all day. I was completely exhausted emotionally and felt I could not get comfortable in my mind no matter what I did, where I went or whom I chose to join with. I felt disconnected to myself and others, and some sadness was lingering. I felt that I wanted to just fall into the arms/body of a man and feel passion, which in the past (which supposedly never happened??) would seem to always comfort me. Or even someone caressing my hair or rubbing my skin softly and the feeling or thought of just melting away in bliss. Yes, that is what I was seeking all day yesterday. I really just wanted to lay by a warm comforting body and sleep.
I received the answer of what I was seeking all day, while watching the movie about St. Francis of Assisi’s life. I had a moment of emotion and just wanted to desperately be touched. To be able to know ‘what’ I was wanting and be aware of it, go through the emotion and then let it go was healing. The answer was not to run to a man to take care of me, I took care of me by walking through this fear. I went to sleep peacefully and today the feeling that I was escaping from yesterday has been removed. When I opened my eyes today the first thought in my mind was, ‘I want the peace of God’. I feel peace today no doubt.
The movie and discussion afterwards brought up several questions for me. How will I go back in the world in 3 weeks and keep what I’ve learned? Do I really want to go back to Utah to a real job that will pay little, and could bring much stress at times? Will I retreat back to old behaviours and easily forget? Will I spend my days off of work at the monastery or will I ski? What is my purpose? Do I really want to have a child in a Holy Relationship? After all these questions, I just heard trust. I will be guided into my purpose every day if I continue to listen to the true Melissa.
Every day is filled up, and the cup is overflowing! We are constantly being reminded by our EGO’s especially in the kitchen! At least that is where a lot seems to come up for me. The kitchen is such a small little space, yet everyone feels the need to be in the kitchen often. Forgiveness lessons galore!!! I continue to make jokes about it and now see how it as a big assignment for mind training. We are all given tasks. Some are a part of the tech team, some are cleaning and me, and… well I’m in the kitchen team. I do love my kitchen team and my tasks and am constantly learning and listening to the old, while training for the new behaviours. The irritations, resistance and restlessness seem easier and easier for me. The flies are not so bothersome anymore either (cause I kill them with the fly swatter).
You are spirit whole, pure and innocent. All is forgiven and released!