Last Saturday I went to Sydney with Melanie for a gathering. My role was to link with Spirit and support Mel for the day. I’ve been amazed in the last three weeks of how its been so strongly in my mind to be only of service – seemingly to Melanie as she has been staying at my house – but truly it is the feeling of being in service to Spirit. It is wonderfully humbling…two words I can feel ego does not like being used together! I’m seeing and feeling ‘humble’ as ‘strength’ – it is being totally re-interpreted by Spirit!
So as we drove to Sydney I could feel my stomach tighten with some undefined anxiety. The only thing Melanie had felt clearly for the days gathering was that we were to bring pastels and paper for a possible art session. I had complete faith that Spirit would flow through my devoted companion and also felt the certainty of my role as support – yet the anxiousness was still present.
The morning started with everyone sharing a bit about how they presently were feeling. This eased into questions around specialness and belief in the body. I found myself sometimes judging others expressions, with a feeling of ‘Spirit had to convince others of the Truth’!! This happened several times during the day and the feeling wasn’t good. Each time it happened I had to drop the thoughts and just remember my function for the day. It was like I was aware of what felt like the deep stillness and certainty of Spirit when I put my total attention into my function, yet there was a wobbliness going on on the surface.
In the next part of the morning we moved into diads, where one gets to hold the space for another as they allow all their thoughts up. The question ‘Who are you?’ is asked. Such a great opportunity to purge all those thoughts and come to the feeling of, actually, we are not the egos thoughts! Sometimes words even cease as Spirits presence is allowed in. Ah! It was interesting for me being the time-keeper for this session instead of participating. Again, I was given the opportunity to fully put my mind only in my function for this exercise and consciously drop beneath the ego judgements that so strongly wanted to come up when I thought some where doing the given task ‘wrong’.
After diads Paul shared a song, which felt to me like Spirits invitation to enter even more fully into just the experience, letting the words fall away. Thank you Paul!
The afternoon found us in another experiential, this time with me leading the drawing session. We used pastel and paper to take the mornings experiences into a colorful expression of visions of our Selves. Melanie played Spirit DJ while we tuned into that quiet space in our hearts as we made marks on the paper…well…that’s how it feels for me when I draw!
The idea of leading a drawing session is always daunting to me…the belief of ‘it’s not my role to be in charge of groups’ etc is like a groove worn into my head! So fearful of getting it wrong! The funny thing was this time, I felt so willing to be in my function for the day that even though I thought that anxiousness was there, just by starting to talk at the beginning of the session I can’t actually truly say I felt anxious. Hmm! I feel like I’m just starting to get it. After all these years, I’m starting to get that Spirit is responsible, not me, and can it be true that Gods will for me is perfect happiness?!? I feel excited that there seems to be a shift occurring in my mind, a deepening in the desire to really know that it’s not personal…any of it!
On the drive home after the gathering I could feel the same undefined anxiousness. I didn’t understand! After expressing some thoughts and feelings, Melanie suggested that perhaps it’s just that I don’t know how to fully allow the joy in. Hmm! My mind went a bit quiet with that thought and it did hit home… can it really, truly be that I can be joyful doing Gods work?!? I’m so scared of showing that joy! None of this really makes much sense to my logical mind but I can feel the depth of this questioning. Having Melanie stay here for this month has been such a gift, showing me what my mind is calling forth.